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East Palestine Rotary News August 28, 2006 "If you're not lighting a candle, don't complain about the dark" |
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FUTURE PROGRAMS:
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JOKE OF THE WEEK Sensible
Observations 1)
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his
car." --Author
Unknown 2)
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author
Unknown 3)
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar." --Drew
Carey 4)
"The problem with
the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever
get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff
Foxworthy 5)
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave
Barry 6)
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have
to find you a temp." --Bob
Ettinger 7)
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula
Poundstone 8)
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh." --Conan
O'Brien 9)
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a
slow learner." --Lynda
Montgomery
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NEWS
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10)
"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm
enjoying
the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
west.'" --Richard
Jeni 11)
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead." --Johnny
Carson 12)
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul
Rodriguez 13)
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
that's the law." --Jerry
Seinfeld 14)
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
you have to line
up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic
in that? What,
do
tall people burn slower?" --Warren
Hutcherson 15)
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same." --Oscar
Wilde 16)
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress.. But I
repeat
myself." --Mark
Twain 17)
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find
Afghanistan."
--A.
Whitney Brown 18)
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says,
'My
God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave
Barry 19)
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken. --Unknown,
presumed deceased 20)
"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another
beer." --
W. C. Fields And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English |
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