"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
—Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
—Clarence Darrow

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
—Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
—Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
—Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
—Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
—Oscar Wilde

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
—Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
—Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
—Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
—Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."
—Andrew Lang

"He had delusions of adequacy."
—Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
—Jack E. Leonard